The Last Circus

So today, one of the many I live through, my life consisted of the dull repetition of waking up, sitting on the internet for most of the day.

You could say I'm addicted, but we wont find out till there is something else for me to do and whether or not I can survive with out it at that time.

And well, let's just say I don't do that much any more. It's kind of like a curse, but a backfired curse, a backfired curse cast be someone that doesn't know what they are doing. I.E Me!

So yeah, my life is unashamedly a piece of steaming.......... anti-self-esteem. Hah. And I know I always bitch about the other sex in my blogs lately, but well, thats all that is really annoying me at the moment. That and getting a band started. I never knew that life could be so hard, you know until I tried at it and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed....and well you get the point.

Im over this.

I want to Dive I want to Fly I want to Crash I want to Burn I want to Rise from the ashes like a pheonix I want to Scream whispers I want to Never talk I want to Live I want to Die I want to Play I want to Throw it all away for something special I want.

Its like wave after wave of pain emanating from my temples, pulverizing my brain. Which isn't much lately, I seem to have replaced normal brain functions with a terrible cycle of life, waking up, internet, video games, internet, sleep.

Nothing exciting, nothing fun. Just stuck, wandering in circles. Killing myself with self doubts. I suppose the arrow missed the apple and hit my head instead. I have just become stuck in the same selfdestructive thought pattern.

Blah blah, I'm not good enough, blah blah, I'm too ugly, blah blah, fat.

But I am good enough, for someone somewhere, I am not ugly to someone somewhere.

I guess I have to find my blue sky.

Someone fuckin shoot me, i dont want to wake up alone anymore.

And I know you are thinking its just me being all fuckin teen angsty. BUT I DONT FUCKIN CARE!

I am wearing massive pants. I am listening to Gms vs Space Tribe. I am watching little kids play xbox. I am typing. I am Alex's melancholy. I am obsessed. I am blessed. I am talented. I am unable to express myself. I am sheltered. I am unfocused. I am sick of me. I am incredible. I am vain. I am unacceptable. I am huggable. I am unwanted. I am needed. I am faithful. I am dependable. I am never there. I am forgiveable. I am fickle. I am farce. I am astounding. I am intellectual. I am blunt. I am subtle. I am rotund. I am.

Best thing that happened today = I killed the 3 Gorgons. I swear. If i was back in the old days of swords and magic, Id be a pretty sweet warrior.

In an ideal world, people's status would be based off achievements and personality, not off looks, and money. But alas this is not an ideal world, and i think thats where my problems come from. Because I realized early that no matter how hard I try, because I dont have the looks, I dont have the abs, the muscles, I'm balding etc, I wont get any where. Girls, yes you say its personality, but how often do you complain that the people you go out with don't care and don't suit you? How often do you still stay with them because they are good looking, or find another one who ends up the same because of looks?

I personally think I have an ideal personality, shit, I care, I listen, I'll make you laugh, I'll make you feel better. But you wont give me a shot because, god forbid your friends see you going out with some fat, unattractive, hairy guy. Its all looks based.

And that depresses me, because I will never be good enough for this world, and its the only world we have, I cant go any where else because its the same, I did go some where else in fact, and it was the same, nay, it was worse. I was looked at like nothing, I was ignored by the very people that would get along with me the most, the only people who noticed me, where old people who had already been through all of it. And i think they just pity me to talk with me.

So all those girls or guys that say personality is all that matters, SHUT THE FUCK UP, and have a look around, we ugly people with personalities don't want to fucking hear it, we want you to act on it. But then again, we probably wouldnt do anything, because we have been forced into this world too, and we base things on looks, so even though we arent good looking, we wont go for personality either, because we, as a people are brought up shallow, by the media and everyone else in the world.